Of course, there are times when one doesn’t have the time, inclination or patience for an extended debate about the game. So as a service to readers of PlateCoverage, a cheat sheet of sorts: Commit these to memory and you’ll never lose another baseball argument again.
Of course he should. But it’s his own fault he’s not.
Should Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Alex Rodriguez be in the Hall of Fame?
Of course they should. And it’s the voters’ fault they’re not (or won’t be, when eligible).
How can you say [Name] should be in the Hall of Fame? He did steroids.
Who didn’t do steroids?
[Wait for response]
How do you know?
Who are the best players not currently in the HOF?
The usual suspects: Schilling, Mussina, Raines and Bagwell – they all exceed any objective standards for induction. Raines will finally get there this year; the lack of support (thus far) for Schilling and Mussina is baffling.
Who is the greatest player of all time?
Who is the best player of all time?
Choose among Barry Bonds, Willie Mays and Ruth [though... if the point is to avoid or abbreviate the argument, go with Mays or Ruth; if the point is to be correct, go with Mays or Bonds].
Who is the greatest hitter of all time?
Who is the best hitter of all time?
Barry Bonds. Yep.
Who is the greatest pitcher of all time?
Roger Clemens. Yep.
Who is the best pitcher of all time?
Pedro Martinez, 1999-2003.
Who was the worst player of all-time?
The worst player to ever step foot on a MLB field is about 1000x better at his job than I have ever been at anything. Comparing the worst MLB player ever to anybody who didn’t play professional baseball is like comparing Michael Phelps to a summer camp lifeguard. Hell, the worst player to ever step foot on a rookie-ball field is probably 1000x better at baseball than 99.9999% of the age-appropriate population.
The answer is Danny Tartabull, with the Yankees, 1995.
Who was the most fun player to watch of all time?
[If you've never seen Rickey play, the judges will also accept Ichiro, Pedro, or Jeter.]
[Just kidding. Jeter wasn't fun.]
Stat Geeks are ruining the game.
For who? Are they sitting next to you on the couch citing UZR values while you're trying to watch the game? If so, tell them to shush and just enjoy Andrelton Simmons ranging into the hole.
No, but they haven't been fun or interesting in a long time.
Red Sox suck!
No, but their fans are irritating to no end.
[Insert MLB team here] suck!
[Team]? Sorry, I don’t follow soccer.
Ah, you must be under the age of 30. Can I ask you something? How do I paste one of those emojiticons into my twit?